In the process of house hunting; not sure what type of camo I should wear to sneak up on them…
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Matt
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Matt
I swear I stopped believing for like, 1 second, but that was enough for Steve Perry to show up and punch me in the face…
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Matt
I was looking for something cool and vintage to hang from my rearview mirror, but no dice.
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Matt
Today I received a lot of compliments about my shoes and pants. Unfortunately they were all below the belt.
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Matt
I had to get a gift wrapped, and it only cost me 2 quarters! 2 quarters makes 50 cent, and 50 cent is a professional wrapper!
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Matt
A little red bird flies into a confessional. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”, he said. “And what is this cardinal sin, my child?”
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Matt
Unfortunately for him, the vampire didn’t realize what was at stake…
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Matt
I thought a “man”icure was the manliest spa treatment I could get. Oops.
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Matt
I saw a plane banking shortly after takeoff. It uses Chase Bank like me!
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Matt
When asked if one should use an 8′ ladder & stand on top, or a 12′ ladder and stand on the 8th rung, I would suggest to use the latter.
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Matt
In starting my new website, I’ve discovered the best way to raise interest on a blog is to put it in the bank and collect the 3% rate.
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Matt
Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll die of mercury poisoning.
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Matt
I woke up this morning and realized I was so tired last night I forgot to fall asleep.
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Matt
Who has two thumbs and can make a thumbs up with both of them?! *THIS GUY!*
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Matt
What’s the point of cow tipping? I tipped a few cows last night, but realized I didn’t have any change left for my waitress today…
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Matt
Remember the good ‘ol days? World War II, The Great Depression…wait, no, that must be what people mean when they say “in the mean time”!
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Matt
As I was eating dinner tonight, I was reminded of what my grandma used to say – “Finish your dinner dear! Or I’ll kill you.”