Updates from Matt Toggle Comment Threads | Keyboard Shortcuts

  • Matt 8:43 pm on April 17, 2014 Permalink  

    I told Monday to list the numbers 1 though 10 sequentially. When Monday asked why I said I wanted to make the day count!

     
  • Matt 5:33 am on April 14, 2014 Permalink  

    I’m writing a book about minotaurs called “Of Bison Men”.

     
  • Matt 2:34 am on January 15, 2014 Permalink  

    Did you hear about the party at the beach? It was apparently a shore thing.

     
  • Matt 1:44 am on December 4, 2013 Permalink  

    I think my thumbs are against me; you could say they’re opposable.

     
  • Matt 10:07 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    Excuse me sir, I have an issue that needs to be addressed immediately. What issue sir? This postcard!

     
  • Matt 9:30 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    A new breed of animal has been discovered, more dangerous than others. He eats sweaters and worn out jeans. Its the THREADBEAR.

     
  • Matt 9:24 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    What did the feta cheese say before the fight? Lets get ready to CRUMBLE! Sorry for the crumby joke…so cheesy!

     
  • Matt 9:22 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    Anyone who’s been to a library knows the circulation desk is the heartbeat of the place.

     
  • Matt 9:21 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    The last time I tried to think of something off the top of my head, all I got was “fedora!”

     
  • Matt 9:18 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    You know what I use to prop open my door? Ajar. Sometimes it jams…

     
  • Matt 9:17 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    What would you call the science of straws? Astrawlogy. It really sucks!

     
  • Matt 9:15 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    What did the little lobster say when his father fell and broke his leg? “Crawl dad!”

     
  • Matt 9:13 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    Why did the momma rope ground her son? Because he had been knotty. Guess he’ll be tied up for a while…

     
  • Matt 9:11 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    You heard of weather zombies? All they want is “RAAAAaains, rains!”

     
  • Matt 9:07 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    The next time you can’t see something with your naked eyes, try putting clothes on them first, because come on, we don’t want to see that!

     
  • Matt 9:05 pm on August 13, 2013 Permalink  

    If you start cutting corners, sooner or later everything will be round.

     
  • Matt 7:32 pm on March 25, 2013 Permalink  

    Why are parking meters called meters? Shouldn’t we be calling them parking yards in the US?

     
  • Matt 7:13 pm on March 25, 2013 Permalink  

    If I take a course on acupuncture, will I get additional points?

     
  • Matt 7:10 pm on March 25, 2013 Permalink  

    I like to think of my legs as twins. No, they’re not identical, they’re actually fraternal.

     
  • Matt 12:28 am on March 9, 2013 Permalink  

    Someday we’ll all look back on this and laugh — when we watch it in slow motion!

     
c
Compose new post
j
Next post/Next comment
k
Previous post/Previous comment
r
Reply
e
Edit
o
Show/Hide comments
t
Go to top
l
Go to login
h
Show/Hide help
shift + esc
Cancel