I went down to the creek to find some smooth river rocks; unfortunately all I found was alternative rock!
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Matt
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Matt
There’s a banana peel on the ground; totally tripping me out!
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Matt
My dad always said if I ate too much of something I’d turn into it. Well last night I ate all of the shrimp. Aren’t I shellfish?
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Matt
I used to have a pig pen, but the ink dried up.
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Matt
If a picture can say a thousand words, wouldn’t that make photo albums loud and obnoxious? No wonder they always get left in a house fire!
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Matt
When my mom told me to “put a lid on it”, I thought she was telling me to shut up. Now my mayonnaise jar is moldy :/
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Matt
My mom called my Uncle Ted sacrilegious; I thought it was because he always had his bible in a brown paper sack. Turns out it was whiskey.
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Matt
I think pill bugs should be renamed placebo bugs, because I’ve been taking one a day for a month with no health improvements 🙁
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Matt
Who was the first person to pick coffee beans, roast them, grind them, brew them, add sugar & cream and serve it in a cardboard cup for $5?
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Matt
Some people like positive feedback, others prefer negative feedback. I don’t like it at all; it’s too loud and hurts my ears!
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Matt
Don’t you just hate doing laundry? Hiding all of that dirty money behind seemingly legit expenses just gets tiring.
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Matt
I planned to pull back the curtain on my most brilliant joke, but the curtain got tangled and now it’s stuck 🙁
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Matt
After attending an extremely loud concert, my ears began to ring. Eventually I answered, but they must’ve already hung up.
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Matt
If the urban legend is true that we swallow 7 spiders in our sleep, shouldn’t I have Spiderman powers by now? *eats more spiders*
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Matt
I’m thinking of dressing up as OldAge for Halloween…then I can sneak up on people!
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Matt
I wanna get a tugboat called mattjoke.com & a ship called The Envelope. Then I could push The Envelope with mattjoke.com!
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Matt
It seems many of the best actors are on meth. I watched There Will Be Blood and was told that Daniel Day-Lewis is a “meth-head actor.”
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Matt
I’m reminded of the age-old phrase “running with scissors”. What does it mean anyway?
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Matt
I recently visited Hollywood and decided to do some star-spotting at a mall one night. I spotted Sirius, Polaris, and Betelgeuse!
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Matt
Why don’t we call napkins lapkins?