mattjoke.com

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  Matt 7:29 am on January 31, 2013 Permalink  

  After jogging, my cheeks became so flushed I had to use a plunger.

   
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  Matt 7:07 pm on January 28, 2013 Permalink  

  I’m condensing “The Wonderful World of Bridges” into a coffee table edition. It will simply be entitled “Abridged.”

   
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  Matt 1:57 am on January 13, 2013 Permalink  

  My trip to the 2-mile DC Mall was very disappointing – I saved all my money for an epic shopping spree but there were no shops in sight!

   
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  Matt 12:03 am on December 31, 2012 Permalink  

  The Phantom of the Opera decided to skip the party, but only to save face.

   
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  Matt 9:32 am on December 3, 2012 Permalink  

  I’m designing a follow up to the waterbed – the water table. The only downside is with every drought it gets shorter…

   
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  Matt 6:28 am on November 23, 2012 Permalink  

  I had an argument with Santa over his existence; I decided to let him win when he informed me he’d tell everyone I was crazy otherwise.

   
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  Matt 2:20 am on November 19, 2012 Permalink  

  I was going to make a milk joke, but I’m afraid it’s a 2 percenter.

   
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  Matt 8:16 am on November 15, 2012 Permalink  

  Burger King must think of McDonalds as it’s “golden arch-nemesis”.

   
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  Matt 2:19 am on November 14, 2012 Permalink  

  I’m currently taking an etiquette course on how to eat while sleeping. I have to learn a lot to improve my bedside manners!

   
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  Matt 2:16 am on October 11, 2012 Permalink  

  What do you call the jacket next door? A neighborhoody.

   
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  Matt 6:48 am on October 1, 2012 Permalink  

  If I were to ever high five a tree, I’d choose a palm tree.

   
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  Matt 9:14 am on September 23, 2012 Permalink  

  I knew a guy that was a professional driller. Unfortunately, he was bored to death…

   
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  Matt 5:56 am on September 20, 2012 Permalink  

  Some people claim to “feel” a coming storm in their bones. Not me; I can feel it in my weathervanes!

   
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  Matt 7:47 pm on September 9, 2012 Permalink  

  I was just at Cracker Barrel & saw all the rockers out front; most of them had electric guitars. Rock on!

   
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  Matt 9:34 pm on September 5, 2012 Permalink  

  I asked a tree for directions; he thought about it and replied “You stumped me!”

   
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  Matt 7:27 pm on September 2, 2012 Permalink  

  Take a tin of altoids & crunch it up into a fine dust. Sprinkle over a steak. Presto! Mintsed meat!!

   
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  Matt 8:58 pm on September 1, 2012 Permalink  

  I was checking out the newest phones at the Verizon store, but they weren’t the Droids I was looking for.

   
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  Matt 4:54 pm on September 1, 2012 Permalink  

  Why do we call money greenstuff? Last I checked, I don’t normally blow it out of my nose into a tissue!

   
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  Matt 3:20 am on September 1, 2012 Permalink  

  Why do people always say they are “ironing out the bugs”? Wouldn’t that smell like singed hair?

   
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  Matt 4:00 pm on August 27, 2012 Permalink  

  I have good taste in clothing, although I think jeans taste better than hoodies.